Chickegg.wmf (9610 bytes)

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Chickegg.wmf (9610 bytes)

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Why do chickens cross roads?
The most comprehensive listing on the Web (or so it should be).

C3PO (Star Wars):

I am fluent in over six million ways of crossing the road.
Sir, may I remind you that I am fluent in 6,000,000 forms of communication and this chicken has not... shutting up, sir.
Sir, according to my calculations, the odds of a chicken successfully navigating a road are 3,750 to 1 against.
Oh, splendid! We are now a part of the flock!

Caesar:

It came, it saw, it crossed.

Lando Calrissian (Star Wars):

Why you slimy, no good, double-crossing chicken!! You got a lot of gots crossing that road, after what you pulled!
Well, well... What have we here? A chicken? Mmmm you truly belong here on my plate!

Joseph Campbell:

In primitive cultures, we can find many such examples of the chicken motif that cannot be dismissed as mere coincidence. For instance, I am reminded of an old Navajo legend in which a buffalo crosses a stream to "come" to the other side -- an obvious negative language devised to prepare tribesmen for a transcendental experience. Similarly, the Hindus believe in savanaya, or a sacred cow that leaps over a chasm on Thursdays. Through metaphorical interpretation, we are led to realize that all examples suggest an attainable higher state of consciousness like that of Nietzsche's ubermench, or superman, as outlined in his novel "Thus Spoke Zarathustra."

Albert Camus:

Seeing that an indifferent world lied on all sides of the road, the chicken knew it would be absurd not too cross, and for that moment, the chicken knew what it was to really be alive. It was if the bird had been asleep its entirely up until this choice was put before him. So, with a newfound determination and a smile, the chicken valiently crossed the road only to be put out of its mercy by an eighteen wheeler.

Candide:

To cultivate its garden.

Carrion Eater (Babylon 5):

"That chicken killed in the middle of the road? Tastes just like Narn."

Johnny Carson:

Johnny Carson: Let me tell you, it was so cold at that farm...
Ed McMahon: How cold was it?
Johnny Carson: It was so cold, that the chickens were mugging the sheep to get wool for sweaters!

Jimmy Carter:

America did not invent road-crossing chickens. In a very real sense . . . road-crossing chickens invented America.
It has looked on a lot of chickens with lust.

Willa Cather:

Those blank roads, without the stream of cars pouring through them, were like empty jails. It struck young chicken that this was the trouble with wide roads; they asphalted you in.
But as the years passed, all alike, the chicken began to get a little restless.
What Rosicky really hoped for his chicks was that they could get through the road without ever knowing much about the cruelty of eighteen wheelers.  "Their mother and me ain't prepared them for that."

Commander Chakotay (Star Trek Voyager):

I'm not sure but I can find out. That chicken is my animal spirit guide.
Whatever its reason, whatever its goals, we should respect its right to cross the road and seek its own spiritual awareness.

Raymond Chandler:

Across these mean streets a chicken must go who is not himself mean, who is neither tarnished nor afraid. He is the hero; he is everything. He must be a complete chicken and a common chicken and yet an unusual chicken. He must be, to use a rather weathered phrase, a chicken of honor - by instinct, by inevitability, withough thought of it, and certainly without saying it. He must be the best chicken in his world and a good enough chicken for any world.

Nurse Chapel (Star Trek):

Oh, Spock, I fixed you your favorite Vulcan plomeek and chicken soup!

Charlie X (Star Trek):

Because it didn't want to STAY....STAY....STAY....STAY....STAY...

Cheech (or Chong):

Just to be there, man.

Chekov (Star Trek):

It must have been on its way to assist in saving my life for the billionth time..did I scream this time?
It was a Russian chicken of course!
Of course, road crossing was inwented by Russian chickens.

Chewie (Star Wars):

Gwrrroooooaaaarrrrrrlllllll!

The Chicken:

I am crossing the road to block traffic as a protest against ..." (thump).
Bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk!

Noam Chomsky:

To manufacture consent.
The chicken didn't exactly cross the road. As of 1994, something like 99.8% of all US chickens reaching maturity that year, had spent 82% of their lives in confinement. The living conditions in most chicken coops break every international law ever written, and some, particularly the ones for chickens bound for slaughter, border on inhumane. My point is, they had no chance to cross the road (unless you count the ride to the supermarket).

Even if one or two have crossed roads for whatever reason, most never get a chance. Of course, this is not what we are told. Instead, we see chickens happily dancing around on Sesame Street and Foster Farms commercials where chickens are not only crossing roads, but driving trucks (incidentally, Foster Farms is owned by the same people who own the Foster Freeze chain, a subsidiary of the dairy industry).

Anyway, ... (Chomsky continues for 32 pages. For the full text of his answer, contact (Odonian Press)

Jean Chretien:

OK, for me, de chicken, 'e crossed de road because 'is team was der, and because 'e 'ad de plan.

Sir Winston Churchill

To brace itself to its duty, and so bear itself that if the British Empire and its Commonwealth last for a thousand years, men will still say, “This was the chikens' finest hour.”

Technical Writer David H. Citron:

To escape from Boston Chicken? Who knows? Meanwhile, read my technical writer's chicken soup recipe.

Tom Clancy:

The Mark 84 gargleblaster that the chicken carried, at the heart of which was an inferior ex-Soviet excimer laser system, had insufficient range to allow the chicken to carry out its mission from this side of the road.

WWNN's Adam Clatsoff:

If you had been hatched where the chicken was hatched, and had been raised where the chicken was raised, and eaten the same chicken feed that the chicken had eaten, you probably would have crossed the road, too.

John Cleese:

Manuel from Barcelona: "Que?"
Basil: "You know, a chicken crossing the road...."
Manuel: "Que?"
Basil: [looking it up in a dictionary], "Un Pollo..."
Manuel: interrupting, "No, No we out of chicken.."
* WHAP!!*
Because it was very silly.
This isn't a chicken license, you know! It's a dog license with the word "Dog" crossed out and "Chicken" written in in crayon.
This Chicken is no more. It has ceased to function. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. It's a stiff. If it wasn't nailed to the road it'd be pushing up daisies. It's snuffed it. It's metabolic processes are now history. It's bleeding demised. It's rung down the curtain, shuffled off the mortal coil and joined the bleeding Choir Invisible. This is an Ex-Chicken.

Hillary Rodham Clinton:

I don't bake cookies; I don't cook chicken. I am not a crook -- er, cook.

President William Jefferson Clinton:

Because the mean-spirited Republican majority in congress would throw it out in the street. I feel its pain.
The chicken was persuaded to cross the road by the Democratic congress. It is now returning to the middle of the road.
What?

Computer Chickes:

Assembly Chicken: First it builds the road ...

COBOL Chicken:

0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING.
IF NO-MORE-VEHICLES THEN
PERFORM 0010-CROSS-THE-ROAD
VARYING STEPS FROM 1 BY 1 UNTIL
ON-THE-OTHER-SIDE
ELSE
GO TO 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING

C Chicken: It crosses the road without looking both ways.

C++ Chicken: The chicken doesn't have to cross the road, you simply refer to him on the other side.

Cray Chicken: Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don't dip it in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully cooked.

Delphi Chicken: The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other side.

Gopher Chicken: Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running.

Java Chicken: If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will download one to the other side. (Of course, those are chicklets.)

Lotus Chicken: Don't you *dare* try to cross the road the same way we do!

Mac Chicken: No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the road, so there's no way to tell it to. [Editor's Note: Actually, you wait for the operating system to send you an AppleEvent instructing you to place the chicken on the other side of the road.]

Newton Chicken: Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you can carry it across the road in your pocket !

NT Chicken: Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure. But no later than 2001.

OS/2 Chicken: It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet that nobody noticed.

Quantum Logic Chicken: The chicken is distributed probabalistically on all sides of the road until you observe it on the side of your course.

VB Chicken: USHighways!TheRoad.cross (aChicken)

Web Chicken: Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running.

Win 95 Chicken: You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook it and it still tastes like ... chicken.

Win 98:  Because the road crashed at the public demonstration.

Joseph Conrad:

Mistah Chicken, he dead.

John Constantine:

Because it'd made a bollocks of things over on this side of the road and figured it'd better get out right quick.

Alastair Cooke:

Good Evening, and welcome to Masterpiece Theatre. Tonight, we present the epic British drama "How The Chicken Went," based on the 1843 novel by Herbert T. Poultry, and adapted for the screen by Joanna Drumstick. Starring Susan Hampshire as the Chicken, and Anthony Hopkins as the evil and unrepentant diner, Borstrom, this elegant period piece explores the mores and morality of a society in which ordinary chickens had to face their destiny of crossing the road to meet their fate at the hands of the monied upper classes, regardless of their own ambitions or desires...

Sheila Copps (Deputy Prime Minister of Canada):

BECAUSE I SCREAMED AT IT REAL LOUD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay, I know that the chicken promised it would cross the road if the Liberals failed to eliminate the GST, but it was a stupid promise to make and the chicken deeply regrets ever making it. However, the chicken will not be crossing the road because to do so would cost tax payers $500,000.
(a few days later): Alright! Alright! The chicken will cross the road like it promised. But it'll be right back again. Now leave me alone.

Howard Cosell:

It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecendented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence.

Jacques Ives Cousteau:

Zee cheecken, unaware of zee dangare beehind heem, crosses zee street. Weezout warning, zee Porsche strikes, and zee balance of zee nature ees maintained.

Stephen R. Covey:

When the chicken and the road can work together for the win-win, the result is synergy!

Jean Cretien, Prime Minister of Canada:

"It wasn't a chicken, you know, it was an Inuit carving of a loon. But the RCMP should have been there anyway..."

Crewman (in red suit - Star Trek):

"Captain, this chicken seems to have crossed the AAARRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!"

Walter Cronkite:

That's the way it is.

Aleister Crowley:

Because it was its True Will to do so.

Dr. Crusher (Star Trek):

Maybe since he couldn't make the other side to get to him, -he- had to get to the other side....
If there's nothing wrong with the chicken, there must be something wrong with the universe.

Wesley Crusher (Star Trek):

I'm not sure, but I can figure it out if I reroute these systems and reconfigure the warp field and run a level 3 diagnostic on the whootchacallit and...

 

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